Are You Asking for What You Want - or Controlling How It Happens?

It’s no fun being critical or controlling. It makes you feel miserable; it ruins the atmosphere, and you don’t usually get what you want anyway.

Maybe if your voice is low and calm, then you can express what you want clearly, and it will get done. The problem may be that you are struggling to express what you want without being critical and controlling.

I know the people in my family don’t respond well to being micromanaged, and I didn’t even realise I was doing that.

It really isn’t easy to express what you want as a pure desire and then let go of the outcome and how the desire should be met.

One small step within this skill is not to say more than you have to. Express your desire and then stop talking.

This habit prevents you from backtracking, feeling guilty, or adding reasons why you think it hasn’t been done and how you think it could be executed perfectly.

One of my teenage sons often says, “I know, I know, Mum, you have said that.”

It’s funny because sometimes I haven’t even got the first part of my instruction out of my mouth.

We both laugh when he can tell me exactly what I was going to ask him to do – minus all the extra words that make him feel weary.

So, the first step is to ask yourself: “What do I want here? What would I love?”

I will share an example from my “Skills for Wives” course to help you see the difference.

“You never help around the house. I have asked you three times to clear the kitchen, and you still haven’t done it. Why do I have to keep asking? Can you please just do it properly for once?”

The desire underneath all of that might simply be:

“I am feeling tired. I would love to have help after supper to clear the kitchen.”

That is the outcome I want, and I can stop there.

No extra explanation, no criticism, no reminding, no instructions about exactly how it should be done. Just the desire.

This doesn’t mean that we never ask, remind people, or have agreements about things that need to happen in a family.

It simply means noticing when our request has become a vehicle for criticism and manipulation.

This small skill is part of a workshop on how to cultivate a warm and friendly atmosphere in your marriage.

Let me know if you would like to join my WhatsApp group, where I post details of the next workshop.

P.S. I would love to hear some of the struggles you have in communicating clearly and kindly.